I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
