i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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