We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
