Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
We are all done wearing pants today
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
