my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
