I want to stick my p in your. b.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
foreskin is a definite game changer
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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