I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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