just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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