shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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