she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
