remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Semen is not good for contacts.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
