I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
