I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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