My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
