Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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