i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
