I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize