And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
