ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
