i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
All I want is dick and wine.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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