addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize