I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
