Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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