I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
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