Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Randomize
