True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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