I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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