Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Randomize
