I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
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