My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
