Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Drunk is a universal language darling
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