mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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