Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
