Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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