woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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