you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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