i would punch a child for taco bell
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
