i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize