i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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