I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
