whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
