I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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