Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
