Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
did i walk over a car last night?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
