It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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