im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
