Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
