I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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