I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
