The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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