I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
