It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
He? As in you personified your dick?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
