The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I will be naked everywhere
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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