Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Randomize
