In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
