I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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