i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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