It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
