I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
