oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
My vagina just clenched in fear
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