I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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